Let’s Agree How to Disagree

The Art of Disagreement

I’m trying out a brand new format for this brand new XL series called “Life Advice.”

The pieces will be shorter (~3 minute reads). They will open with a question you might have about life, and then quote an excerpt from the Jewish Sages of the Talmud to respond to the question with helpful advice. As always, the source will be hyperlinked for you to see it in its original language and context. I then try my best to explain it clearly, concisely, and in a way that is easy to relate to and apply to your life.

I hope you enjoy the series! Please like and share if you do 🙏

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Question:

It’s odd if you think about it. The way people talk to one another in public forums today is aggressive and toxic, and yet, it seems that frank, face-to-face discussions about politics, religion and values have almost disappeared from day-to-day American life. On the surface, people seem polite and respectful, but the chasm between the bitter discourse poured into selfie cameras and the sterile silence IRL (In Real Life) makes it seem more likely that people are simply avoiding confrontational conversations and suppressing their true opinions for fear of violent blow-ups.

The only person I actually fight with regularly is my wife. To be honest, for a grown man, I am really lacking the skills to disagree like an adult…

What can I do to learn to avoid arguments that lead nowhere — or better yet, get into arguments that lead somewhere?

Advice from the Sages:

What merit does the Academy of Hillel (Beit Hillel) have that the Law follows their opinion in nearly all cases?

[They arrived at the Law] because they are easy going and aren’t easily offended.

They have also made a habit of quoting their own opinion together with that of Beit Shammai [who stand in opposition to them]. What’s more is that they even make a point of mentioning Beit Shammai’s opinion before their own.

“Debates Between Beit Shammai and Beit Hillel” (Co-created with Meta AI and Canva AI)

In a world of memes, sound bites, algorithmic polarization, and presidential debates about golf handicaps, this advice is as vital as ever.

Let’s break it down to fully digest it:

Hillel the Elder was known for his patience. He was famously nearly impossible to frazzle or offend. He didn’t allow himself to be “triggered” even people tried to push his buttons.

Naturally, this trait became the cornerstone of the culture of his yeshiva (academy).

Since speaking calmly, like yelling, is contagious, new students would quickly learn from veteran students how to communicate in the hallowed halls of Beit Hillel. Stay calm, speak softly, and be approachable. Don’t respond rashly, and don’t take ideological attacks personally.

It turns out that they really didn’t take discussions personally, as recorded elsewhere in the Talmud that Beit Hillel families would not discourage their kids from marrying Beit Shammai girls. By “keeping calm and carrying on,” Talmudic controversies did not turn into family feuds.

What’s really fascinating about the Talmud’s insight here is that they are not merely noting that Beit Hillel students were “nice guys.” Rather, what they are pointing to is that their ability to keep their cool is what made them more attuned to the truth.

Why would this be so?

As we said, keeping calm and losing our cool are both contagious. If someone speaking to us gets heated in conversation, it is only natural that we turn up the temperature with them in response, rapidly leading our brains to be set to boil, at which point brains stop working.

If, however, we focus our energies on staying calm, keeping our minds attentive and open, and the tone of our voice steady and sincere, it is nearly impossible for the other person to continue yelling at us unilaterally. This keeps the conversation from going off the rails into a screaming match that will undoubtedly lead to no new insights for anyone. (Watch and enjoy how young activist Rudy Rochman has honed his ability to do this in the face of blatant antisemites.)

Beit Hillel had another practice which was highlighted by the Talmud. They made a habit of quoting their opponents’ opinions, and made sure to do so before their own. Why did they do this? So that they could properly respond to what they were saying.

So often, we barely listen to what others are saying to us, chomping at the bit to get our two shekels in. What results is that we de facto miss out on any possible insight or information we could have gleaned from the conversation.

When my wife and I used to run communication classes for couples in New York, we would ask each person to share how their partner had understood the material. Invariably, their partner would pipe up and say, “that’s not what I said!”

We have to wonder how often we’re projecting our own opinions onto other people, never really hearing them out. We should become students of Beit Hillel and reflect back to our “opponents” how we have understood their opinion before we share our own. We can always start by saying, “If I understand you correctly, you said ______ — is that right?” Then we can listen to see if we have accurately understood them. If not, we can simply keep trying until we do. Once we have confirmed accurate understanding, we can respond.

In the possible but unlikely scenario that nothing the other person has to say is new to us, we may still be missing out on an opportunity to sharpen our own opinion on theirs. How do our points respond to theirs? Knowing this can help us immensely better communicate to others who may think more like our opponents than us. The only way to do this is to work on the practice of quoting others’ opinions before our own.

Every conversation is an opportunity if not to learn something new, to better understand what we already know to be true. This should be more than enough reason to stay calm, stay humble and stay open in our conversations.

We should all be able to agree that this is the way to disagree.